i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
pity party, table for one

It is nine o'clock and Angel is asleep. i would be too if my medicine would kick in. i hate my job so much. i hate being broke more. i hate being sick the most.


All i wanted was for him to keep a promise to come see me for lunch. i don't care that we don't have long or that there isn't a lot to choose from. it's knowing that i mean enough to someone that he's come all the way out there once in a while just for me. it is the thought behind it. it's knowing that if he doesn't come i will sit at my desk and be miserable through lunch because i don't have anywhere else to go.


i called him at lunch. i called five times. i sat at my desk. i finally get a response from my text - he's over at a friend's taking make out pictures of her and her girlfriend. this is more important that i am. he spent all last week over there. he only made it home before i fell asleep one night. he spent Saturday night there. i stopped by to bring him food and maybe stay for an hour and he told me he didn't want me there and no one else did either. he made sure to tell me the next day what fun it was and that i pissed people off just by being there 5 minutes.


then, after he got me sick, tells me that my shopping trip to get medicine, diet Mt Dew & crackers for the week overdrew the account. i looked and we are fine. that was yesterday. today he comes home late and wants to know where i want to go to eat. i'm fucking sick you fucktard! why would i want to eat when i feel like puking? crackers toast and chicken soup is what i want. i don't want to go out to eat. he took all my cash and the card. i have eaten crackers and dried fruit for three days now except the Raman he made me last night and a peanut butter sandwich i made.


i missed work yesterday because i couldn't breathe. when i woke up i thought my cat was laying on my chest. she wasn't. i tried to take a breath and choked on all the phlegm in my lungs. i was drowning in snot! i hacked and choked my way through the shower and went back to bed with some more Alka Seltzer Plus Night-Time. i woke up at random, took more, and went back to sleep. my only problem tonight is that the sleepy isn't kicking in. i think i have slept so much that even sedatives can't knock me out.


on the up side, i have an interview on Saturday with a storage company super boss lady. i swear that if i don't get out of here soon, i will scream, so that is a really good thing.


shit, i want to find something positive to be happy about but i'm hungry, sick, sad, lonely, bored, and i don't have anyone to call. people tell me what is wrong and i make them laugh. no one wants to hear my shit. i guess i'm getting depressed again but i can't seem to care. since Veronica left there isn't much of a reason to get up in the morning anymore. she doesn't want to be here because i'm boring. she said so.


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confessed on Wednesday, Nov. 02, 2005