so . . . things are weird and while i know i have said that a lot lately, i really don't know how to explain it.
lets see . . . Angel an i opened a dialog on the possibilities of swinging and other random acts of debauchery. see, we were starting to get where we didn't really talk much, spent all our time ignoring each other, ate too much and never did anything else. we were unhappy not with each other but with our life together. our friends, as great as they are, never come to see us, we have to go see them and that was always cut short by time & money constraints. hell, we hardly have any friends to begin with.
we were seriously boring and seriously bored.
keep in mind that i'm very introverted & reserved to the point of seeming painfully shy and i don't see myself as attractive. this can make things a little delicate if you are thinking of swapping partners.
we have been going to some wild parties that get drunkenly very sexual and crazy but i have been staying behind a camera with very little drink and a 'no touchie the llama' attitude. i (mistakenly) thought that i could go on forever like this if i chose not to join. WRONG! in hind site i feel very managed and a bit manipulated, but in the end all it really took was one beautiful couple and the promise of great head. i'd almost forgotten how amazing it could be . . . so now i'm bound tighter and tighter to someone i'm not exactly comfortable with how comfortable i am with them. i know that sounds funny but its almost like visiting 'home' to find that there is new furniture and paint - it's still home but you feel a little funny, everything looks different but when the lights are off you remember just how to move. i over analyze everything, i know. i don't do it to be tedious, i promise, but i just let things flounder in my head and not work out the conclusions, i go crazy. i don't know where things will go from here and i'm trying to simply let go and flow with it but that�s so hard for me to do.
i also know that i need to have friends that aren't part of this and the ones i do have are always so far away or busy in their own lives that i'm not a big priority. everyone involved eventually turn even an innocent evening into something sexual and while i don't really fault them for it, it can become tedious.
for this to work for me i need to not feel this fucking lonely all the damn time. i know that if i'm desperate for some conversation i'm going to get into some trouble and become emotionally involved and i can't let that happen. you don't name your food, shit where you eat or get all emotional with your toys. spitting into the wind is just stupid, too. in the long list of 'Lessons in Futility' coming right before "a gay man crushing on a gay woman" is "trying to fill your empty heart with emotionless sex". i can love many, and i found several new loves recently, but . . . when will it be too much?
honestly, i haven't a clue what to do from here. all i know is that i want some of it to not involve sex.
confessed on Saturday, Feb. 18, 2006