today was blah.
i had to go to work too early and i felt sick all day.
Roni wasn't at the club when she was supposed to be. my mom called to check and she was almost an hour late so she called Angel since this was his day off to go check on her.
she overslept and missed the alarm that DID go off - i checked it when i got home. i also made sure i set THREE alarms for her, now. my poor heart can't take it!
we waited all afternoon for someone to come by like they promised but that never happened and i still haven't gotten my laundry done. i don't want to stay up all night at the shitty apartment one but i guess i have no choice as i am out of shirts i feel like wearing.
every day gets easier for me.
every night hurts a little less.
every breath is a new chance to not sigh with longing.
every conversation i have with someone else is a conversation that i don't tell him about.
every drive home from work is a chance to listen to music or talk to someone i haven't talked to lately but only if they have Sprint PCS
(i'm a little low on minutes but i have unlimited PCS to PCS minutes).
every day i think of him a little less.
maybe tomorrow . . . oh, well, no. he'll be over to help me with the truck.
i think he's excited because i have a line on his best friend from high school and i tugged to see what comes of it.
he seems happier to ignore me and everything about my life and i feel bad for calling today. i was supposed to leave him alone completely until he chose to be a friend but he told me yesterday that he was coming over today and the only reason i called was that Myste needed some info on the best friend.
i was just going to tell him and get the info and let him go. it's nothing spiteful or out of anger - i just don't want to torture him or make him feel uncomfortable. i wish i could disentangle him from my life so he can move on with his. i hate that when i panic my first response is to get him to fix it. i need to stop that.
i need to be the one that handles the panics, i can't rely on him.
he is not the one that fixes my problems or heals my hurts.
he is not the one who listens to me talk about my day.
he is not the one that holds me before i fall asleep.
he is not the one who chases my nightmares.
lately, he is the subject of my nightmares . . .
the kind when you can't do anything right and everyone laughs at you and then the one person who was ever nice to you is the one writing the latest jingle about your failings. yeah that one.
or the one where you are at the top of the crystal-covered world only to look down and realize you are standing on a pile of shit in a snow globe filled with glitter and his hand swirls the whole thing and you land on the bottom under the pile of shit. hrrmmm. i don't want to examine that one.
and then there's the one where you are . . . oh, never mind. it's all the same.
i feel very let down, cheated, lied to, betrayed, hurt and lost.
but only in my sleep.
and when i'm driving home.
and on lunch.
and after i get home to an empty house.
and when it's time to go to bed and i get a pulse jump as i see the blanket hanging off the end of the bed . . . until i realize with a stomach-clenching slam that it is not his foot.
but like i said, i think of him less every day.
there are now times, whole minutes, when he is not on my mind at all.
the craziest part is that i thought it would be the sexual and intimate things that would drive me crazy but it's not. i have no interest in anything of that nature. i want to lean on him and tell him all about my day and hear what is going on in his head. i want to laugh with him and see that smile that makes my heart fill with joy. i want to feel the rumble of his voice roll through me and tickle the butterflies in my stomach. i want to rest my feet on him and feel his hands play absently with my toes.
i want to delete this whole entry and pretend that i couldn't be happier for fear that he'll read it and get all weird on me.
i want the moments when i miss the person i loved to just go away because he doesn't exist.
when i see him now i can't even pretend that they look the same. he doesn't even sound like the man i loved. i can't confuse them but i can still mourn the loss of the one i loved.
i dunno, i seems like i'm talking in circles just trying to make sense of why i feel like a failure when it's not about me at all.
"buildings and bridges" ~ Ani Difranco
"buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
all that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks
we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh until we choke
sit around and laugh until we choke
i don't know who you were expecting
probably some bitch who does not budge
with eyes the size of snow
i may get pissed off sometimes
but you seem like the type to hold a grudge
and in the end, i just let go...
buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world,
that's what it takes
all that steel and stone
is no match for the air, my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks"
1 comments on the futility of it all
confessed on Monday, Jul. 07, 2003