some days just leave me shaking, tired and beat.
thousands of thoughts explode behind my eyes only to die on my tongue, all these little abortions of self. they taste of bitter tears held back and unshed blood. they're fully of frustration with a chaser of fear and spiced with insecurity.

i don't trust anyone to speak plainly to me these days. everything is wrapped in too many words, swaddled in distrust and fear of exposure and rejection.
if there is a problem, tell me
if i am not good enough for you, spit it out
if you want something from me, just ask
if you want me to drop dead, grow some balls

i know what i want from my life, i know what i crave, what i need.
stability, security, comfort, love
companionship, friendship, partnership
i don't need the good ship lollypop
and i'd like to get off this titanic
but i won't let my self reach out for anything, anyone
every time i trust another to help me up
they slip away and i fall back down
i may be independent and headstrong,
but sometimes i still need a safe harbor
to run to
to hide in
to seek shelter,
protection
comfort . . .

i looked to the right, at the picture of us when we were young and our dreams were lying before us like a woman under our hands and i saw instead my face, bathed in the soft blues of my page reflected back at me and, for a brief second, her face over my shoulder . . . that moment, in my half sleep, was like a whisper on my neck and a soft hand on my shoulder. it gave me the feeling that maybe, i didn't have to be so alone.

4 must be stronger than me . . .

confessed on Saturday, Aug. 18, 2007