he left.

he's gone.

the cable modem followed him and my service isn't turned on yet - not til this Sunday. i'm at my parents'.

i don't know how to explain the conflicted feelings.

he left but i see him every day, talk to him all the time.

i miss him every second he's not there.

he loves me but can't be with me.

i love him desperatly but don't know if i'll even like who he really is . . . when he figures that out.

he doesn't know what he wants . . . but he knows it's not a relationship.

how do i put a finger on where it hurts worse than divorce and where it softens it with friendship and why i'm fine when i see him but die a little inside every time i something happens and i want to tell him first only to feel the loss all over again?

i feel like this should hurt more than it does or be harder than it is.
it doesn't

i feel like he should be having a visibly hard time.
he isn't

i felt this coming for a month or so before it happened.
panic attacks, nightmares, pulling away, desperate sex, restlessness, anger, depression, unease.

i ignored it, made excuses for it, explained it away as stress.

i didn't cry or yell. no breaking things, no fight. no stalking, no spying, no calling friends to stalk or spy.

he explained to me that he had to go and so we packed his stuff and he left during our "vacation" we'd scheduled. so much for Carlsbad Caverns.

i didn't ask him to stay. i did ask him if this "journey of discovery" is truly something he can't do within the lose structure of a relationship. he said it wasn't. i let it drop.

so, he's out living his life and i need to try to live mine.

any ideas?

---

"Wake Up" ~ Love Spit Love
"tv talkshows shining light
from every window
she pulls a dress on
and she who cares where she goes

and wake up, wake up
here's another day
and wake up, wake up
it's time your wide awake
and don't make promises
that don't mean anything
and wake up, wake up
wake up, wake up
it's light out honestly
it's time you're wide awake

go where the party goes
dressed up in shiny clothes
we drink the water
and it tastes like medicine

and wake up, wake up
here's another day
and wake up, wake up
it's time your wide awake
and don't make promises
that don't mean anything

watch the day go round
and wake up, wake up
watch the sun go down
with all the animals
i watch the river run
and wake up, wake up
wake up, wake up
wake up, wake up

jeannie talks too much
to all the animals
i hear a mad dog bark
she'll tell you what it said

watch the day go round
and wake up, wake up
watch the sun go down
with all the animals
i watch the river run
and wake up, wake up
wake up, wake up
wake up, wake up"

2 women woke up to an empty bed today

confessed on Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2003