Yeah, yeah, i know . . . though i'm beginning to think that the voices calling me a lazy beotch are all in my head. Hell, no one signs the guestbook unless i hit theirs first anymore, but can i blame them? i don't exactly update all that much and since i've settled down its always so tame and boring . . . no more meeting cute guys, first dates or freaky confessions. i haven't created any zoob porn or seen any Supercrack Camel-toe Highwater Muppets. There's not even been any bra microwaving incidents titty bars or divorces and bed mutilations. it's all just "blah, blah, blah," and "see-i'm-a-geek".
It's still kinda freaky to realize that it's been over two years. i mean, look! i remember the template i had back then, too. It was a black background with blue, green and white font and no pics. There was even a disclaimer at the top and it was BAD! i was a single mom, Diaryland was brown and orange, and Mr Whiskers was all over. No one would have thought an airplane could be a weapon and Ronica thought i was her best friend. i was still enjoying some good sexual harassment at work! (i really miss that part . . . )
Ok, so now that i have strolled down memory lane and seen the major changes in me and my life i notice that the main reason i am not updating as much is that i'm living my life, not examining it. i may not always have a lot to say, but i'm thinking outward, instead of examining myself and my motives and trying to pigeonhole my self so that i can like me when i grow up. i think i'll just forgo growing up. Seems simpler, doesn't it?
In the last two years or so i have lost 80 lbs and an estranged husband, gained 100 lbs and a fianc�. When you take it down to the simplest facts you could come to the conclusion that men are fattening and technically not be wrong, but are you reaching the right conclusion with the right info, or the right conclusion that would be thrown out of court as unsupported data?
i am still me. i have been more and less that what i have written into this little blank box and i am not the sum of my diary template. These are merely road markers on the way here and reflect nothing but the progress and rest stops.
Angel had his big AA Cargo dinner gathering at Ton's Mongolian Grill tonight and i went up there to see them all, too. It was weird, just as weird as going through all those old entries. it's been over a year since i saw these people on a daily basis, but i still look at them and remember their logins. i don't want to be stuck as who i was any more than i want to change who i am. i guess i'm just contrary.
Meanwhile, it's 4 am and i think i'll get some sleep.
"Otis Reading" ~ Everclear
"Do you remember when we were hungry?
Do you remember when we were cold?
Do you remember when we were happy?
Do you remember? Do you remember?
Do you remember when we were lucky?
We were livin' the life almost every night
i would wrap you in my thin white arms
Sit and watch the stars glide
Yeah, do you remember when we were the losers?
Do you remember when we were the lame?
Do you remember when we were the lepers?
Do you remember? Do you remember?
Do you remember when we were strung out?
Eatin' top ramen, macaroni and cheese
We would get so lost in that basement room
Let the Otis Redding sing us to sleep
i wish i had one more life
i don't wanna be wasted
i don't wanna live inside this daydream anymore
i just wanna be happy again
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be blind
i don't wanna be wasted
i don't wanna live inside this daydream anymore
i just wanna be happy again
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be blind
i wish i could be like all my heroes
i wish i could be like all yours too
i wish i could sing like Otis Redding
i wish i could play this guitar in tune
Do you remember when we were hungry?
Do you remember when we were cold?
Do you remember when we were happy in a way
No one outside could ever know?
i wish i had one more life
How i wish i had one more life to live
i don't wanna be wasted
i don't wanna live inside of this daydream anymore
i just wanna be happy again
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna
i don't wanna be wasted
No, i don't wanna live inside of this daydream anymore
i just wanna be happy again
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be
i don't wanna be wasted, i don't wanna be blind
No, i don't want to be blind
No, i don't want to be blind"
confessed on Friday, Dec. 13, 2002